


The Ace of Stars

by Magni_draconum



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Arospec character, Asexual Character, Asexual Sirius Black, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Marauders' Era, Platonic Cuddling, amatonormativity, angst with intermittent fluff, poor sirius
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-01-31 19:08:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12688407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magni_draconum/pseuds/Magni_draconum
Summary: So I really love the idea of Ace Sirius so here's a story about Sirius growing up, coming to terms with who he is, and slowly falling in love in his own way





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic! I've got a bit of a head start writing this so I will try to update about every Friday. I'll probably add tags as I go and will include potential trigger warnings at the start of chapters. Hope you enjoy!

**Introduction**

When Sirius was seven, he was uncomfortable.

He’d had a boring birthday party with fancy food and itchy robes.  That was typical though; what was strange was that father had invited some Greengrass girl his age, and Aunt Cassie had spent the whole evening with Aunt Druella trying to push them together-Sirius didn’t want to spend time with some girl he didn’t know; he’d rather play with Reg and hear stories from cousin Andy.  After the fourth time he’d been coerced into dancing with her, he finally snapped and said she had cooties and he didn’t see why he had to keep dancing with some  _ girl. _

Unfortunately, his mother heard him; even worse, she told his father. Sirius could barely register the scowl on Orion Black’s face before he was being dragged into his study for a “chat”. Sirius squirmed in the unforgiving wooden chair as he watched his father slowly pour a glass of firewhiskey.

“Son,” his father began while holding out his hand to display a ring for Sirius to see, “This is the heir ring for the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black; I wear it now, but one day it shall pass onto you.   It is a high honor, but there are certain expectations that come with it; do you understand?”

This was not at all what he expected from this conversation, but Sirius slowly nodded his head and replied, “Yes, I think so Sir”.  

“Then you will understand why your behavior tonight was unacceptable,” Orion said before noting the confusion on his son’s face and adding, “As the heir, it is your duty to one day produce an heir; we think the Greengrass girl is a good match, from an intelligent pureblood family, and that’s why we invited them to your party.”

Sirius was taken aback; he hadn’t thought of that at all! Without thinking, he blurted out “But I’m only seven!  I can’t possibly pick someone to marry!”  

“Betrothals at your age are quite common; besides, you are not responsible for choosing the bride; that can be left to your mother and I.  Regardless, you were out of line and should know better than to behave so rudely to a guest,” Orion said, his voice heavy with disappointment that settled like a leaden weight in his son’s chest.

“I shall issue the proper apology, Father,” replied the young Black thoughtfully, “But I really do not want to be betrothed so young and I hope you will take my wishes into consideration.”  His father simply nodded before dismissing him.

 

That night, Sirius laid awake, thinking deeply.  He didn’t understand what the whole fuss was about getting married and having  _ heirs. _  Hopefully his family wouldn’t try to set him up again for a long, long time.  He wasn’t sure he’d ever want to get married!  Everyone else seemed to care a whole lot about it though, so maybe he would as he got older.  He’s only seven after all; he’d understand when he was older.

***

When Sirius was eleven, he was excited!

He had made a new friend, James, and now they were riding across the Black Lake to Hogwarts.  As Sirius drank in the sight of the majestic castle, he notice James was not nearly as entranced by the view as he was; rather, he was staring intently at one of the boat’s other occupants, that Redheaded  _ girl. _  Sirius didn’t understand what could be so interesting about staring at her rather than the castle.  

As they walked up the stoned steps to the castle, Sirius quietly asked him, “Why were you staring at that girl so much in the boat?”

James blushed and looked around to see if she was in earshot before answering in a whisper, “Lily? Well, she’s rather pretty…….don’t you think so?”

Blinking owlishly in surprise, he said, “I hadn’t really thought about it?  Besides, girls have cooties, don’t ya know?”, he ends with a cheeky grin.

Any reply James might have had was stopped short as a stern which with an emerald hat, Professor McGonagall, herds them all into the Great Hall for the sorting.   He watched the sorting before, all too soon, his own name is called.  “Good luck!”, James whispers as he advances towards the stool.

As the brim of the hat cuts off his sight, he hears a voice in his head.  “Interesting…..born to Slytherin but you’re not quite like them, are you?  You could be, you know, if you wanted to.”  Sirius thinks that he doesn’t want to be like them at all, so cold and uncaring; he’d felt more warmth from James after only hours within meeting him than he had from his parents his whole life.  Picking up on this, the Hat continued, “Hmm….friends with a potter?  Not Slytherin then….and your willingness to go against your parent’s plans for you shows more than a small bit of bravery.  Well then, better be…...GRYFFINDOR!”

That hat is plucked from his head after it yelled the last word and the new lion made his way to the Gryffindor table, where he was soon joined by the redhead, Lily Evans, and the quiet scarred boy, Remus Lupin.  He watched James get sorted and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as his new friend joined him in the House of the Brave.

The sorting ended and they eagerly began eating and introducing themselves.  Sirius learned that Remus had never flown a broom before and that a girl named Alice really liked Herbology.  Lily mentioned a muggle sister before requesting the butter from James, who made a fool of himself tossling his hair before passing the dish.  Raising an eyebrow, Sirius briefly made eye contact with him before the other boy looked away blushing.  Weird.

That night, Sirius decided to ask James about it, pulling him back from following the other two boys up to the dorm.  “What’s up with you and the Evans girl?  You acted ridiculous every time she spoke to you.”

James looked uncomfortable responding, “Well, I guess I have a crush on her.”

“Why?” asked Sirius, confused.

“I don’t know,” replied James, “I just do…...I hope I wasn’t too weird; Do you think she likes me back?”

“Well, the blushing and hair tossling was a bit much dude…..and she’s probably still mad at us about what happened on the train,” Sirius said thoughtfully.  “C’mon mate, we should probably head to bed.”

 

Sirius looked at the canopy of his four-post bed, thinking about the events of the day.  He’d been sorted into Gryffindor!  His parent’s won’t be happy about that though.  He’d become friends with James!  Though, apparently James had a  _ crush _ on that redheaded girl.  That seemed strange….weren’t they too young to have crushes?  Maybe James was just pretending to be cool or something…..trying to act like a grown-up or something weird.  Yeah, that must be it; they’re too young for actual crushes.  He was still just eleven….he’d understand when he was older…..right?

***

When Sirius was thirteen, he was confused.

Third year came with Hogsmeade visits and he was excited about exploring the wizarding town with his friends, the Marauders.  The first trip was great-they visited Honeydukes where Peter got a sugar high and Sirius ended up getting a bunch of chocolate, which he knew was Remus’s favorite.  They also ransacked Zonko’s and enjoyed a warm glass of butterbeer at the three broomsticks.

Apparently, Hogsmeade visits were an ideal date location; and suddenly that was all most people could think about.  Leading up to the year’s second Hogsmeade visit, James made a big ordeal of asking Evans to go on a date with him.  She refused quite sharply, propelling James into a fit of melodramatic complaining that night.

“Why won’t she go out with me?” whined James.

“Because you’re a git,” Sirius cheekily replied.

James shot him a look, “Well, I don’t see any of you blokes asking out girls.”

“Well, some of us have the sense to avoid making fools of ourselves by serenading a girl in front of the whole school,” Remus answered pointedly, reminding James of his disastrous attempt earlier that day.

“At least I’m brave enough to ask,” James said challengingly, “I dare all three of you to ask out your current crush!”

Peter blushed, “What if she says no!  Or worse, what if she says yes and then I’m a horrible date!”

“Who do you have a crush on?” Sirius asked surprised.

“Emmeline Vance,” Peter mumbled before turning to Remus, “What about you?”

“Well, there’s this one Ravenclaw girl, Pandora Fawcett, who’s really cool and pretty…..sometimes we do homework together,” Remus replied thoughtfully.

“Is she the blonde who always talks about odd creatures?” Sirius questioned Remus, who nodded in affirmation.

“Sirius, who do you have a crush on?” James asked.

“I don’t have one?” Sirius answered, confused.

James snorted in disbelief before stating, “Everyone has a crush; we’re thirteen after all.  You just don’t want to ask her out…..are you scared or something?”

“I’m not scared, I just don’t have a crush on anyone!” Sirius replied defensively.

“James, lay off him,” Remus intervened, “He says he doesn’t have a crush.  If he did, he’d probably be even more obnoxiously obvious about it than you.”

“Okay,” James replied before saying to Sirius, “But I’d best be the first to know when you do get a crush!”

“Sure thing, mate,” Sirius answered reluctantly.

That night, Sirius lay in bed thinking once more.  The question had taken him by surprise; he truly hadn’t thought about having a crush.  He supposed he was old enough; thirteen was a reasonable age to start dating.  Apparently, everyone else already had a crush…..it wasn’t just James being weird.  Sirius tried to decide who was pretty, cool, and funny enough to be “dateable” as his crush…..that’s how crushes work, right?  Find someone with the right personality traits that they would make a good girlfriend or whatever. 

He thought about Marlene Mckinnon…..she had great taste in music, cool clothes, and a good sense of humor.  Yeah, she’d be a good crush; next time his friends asked, he’d say it was her.  Even if he had to ask her out, she wouldn’t be that bad to go on a date with; at least they could talk about music and quidditch and stuff.  At thirteen, Sirius was older and he thought he understood-but did he?


	2. Ch. 1: Hogsmeade Invitations (Stars & Flowers)

Fourth year came and suddenly their yearmates found having a date to hogsmeade to be practically mandatory.  Sirius hated this, but James took it in stride.  He was still pining after Lily and was ecstatic at any opportunity to ask her out.  

Naturally, his tendency for dramatics led to an overly-elaborate proposal. Sirius and Remus had helped him with the spells to  bewitch the sky in the Great Hall with the message, “Evans, please go out with me? -JP.”  Despite the impressive spellwork, she still refused…...possibly because James had just hexed her snake friend’s hair red and gold.

In response, James decided to try a different angle and asked Dorcas Meadows to go with him to Hogsmeade instead.  She accepted his invitation, leaving Sirius confused at the whole ordeal.

“I thought you had a crush on Lily,” Sirius asked him that night in their dorm, “Why did you ask out Dorcas?”

“I’m hoping to make Lily jealous,” James replied, “Plus, Dorcas is pretty cool and dating her will be fun for now; I can’t keep going to Hogsmeade dateless, you know.”

Sirius didn’t know.  He didn’t see what was so wrong about simply going with friends; it’s much less of a hassle anyways.  Instead of sharing his thoughts, Sirius said, “Well, I guess with Jamie-boy off on his date that leaves the three of us to hang out, yeah?”

“Actually,” Peter began quietly, “I have a date with Emmeline Vance!”

“Good for you, Mate!” James exclaimed, clapping him on the shoulder.  Sirius blinked slowly in surprise before turning to Remus hopefully.

“Sorry Padfoot, but I have a date as well,” Remus replied vaguely.

“Did you ask out that Ravenclaw girl, Pandora?” Sirius asked, trying unsuccessfully to play it cool.

“No; I asked her out last year but apparently she’s dating Xenophilius Lovegood,” Remus replied before adding somewhat nervously, “I’m going with Fabian Prewett.”

“But he’s a boy,” Peter stated in surprise.

“I am perfectly aware of that, thank you very much,” Remus replied sharply.

“Sorry, mate.  Does that mean you’re gay?” Peter said sheepishly.

“Not really,” Remus answered calmly, “I still like girls; I just have crushes on boys too.  It means I’m Bisexual.”

“Whatever makes you happy, Moony,” James stated supportively, pulling him into a hug that was soon joined by the other two.  

After breaking the embrace, Sirius realized, “Does this mean I’m the only one without a date?”

“Apparently so.  It seems you are in need of a date, which reminds me: you never did tell me who you have a crush on.  So, who’s the lucky girl?” James asked before thoughtfully glancing at Remus and adding, “Or person?”

Armed with his previously prepared answer, Sirius simply stated, “Marlene McKinnon.”  Upon seeing the challenging look on James’s face, he added, “But I don’t really want to ask her out.”

“What, are you scared?  Besides, you need a date; I can’t have you third-wheeling me the whole time,” James said teasingly.

“I’ll think about it,” Sirius mumbled reluctantly, ending the conversation.

***

Sirius woke the next morning to the feeling of James’s elbow in his stomach.  Groggily opening his eyes, he saw the bespeckled boy grinning down at him, having evidently jumped on his bed.  “Good morning! So are you planning to ask Marlene out today?” James asked.  Sirius, who unlike James was not a morning person, merely glared at him before shuffling towards the bathroom to get ready.

After brushing his teeth and throwing on his uniform, Sirius was searching for his misplaced tie.  “Looking for this?” Remus said with a grin, holding out the tie.  Sirius nodded tiredly and reached for the tie while Remus continued, “Rough morning?  Don’t let James bug you too much; you know how he is when he gets an idea in his head.”

“Yeah….thanks Moony.  You’re a great friend, you know that?  You always know exactly what to say,” Sirius said sleepily, pulling the taller boy in for a brief hug before James loudly reentered the room for them to head to breakfast.  

The four boys encountered the 4th year girls in the common room and the two groups decided to walk down together.  James made a big show of offering Dorcas his arm, which she accepted with a small laugh at his antics.  Sirius noticed that despite being seemingly absorbed in a conversation with Dorcas, James kept glancing at Lily for a reaction.  Lily paid him no mind and instead was walking several feet ahead with Marlene and Alice, talking about their potions homework.  He wondered about the location of the last girl, Em, before realizing that she and Peter were walking towards the back, holding hands and talking quietly.  Feeling uncomfortable about eavesdropping on either couple, Sirius starting talking to Remus about Quidditch.  

Their conversation about Puddlemere United’s chance against the Tutshill Tornados lasted them through the rest of the walk and into the beginning of breakfast, where thankfully Lily had led the other girls to sit apart from the Marauders.  Sirius sat beside James and was enjoying his bacon when the other boy said, “So? You never answered my question.  Are you gonna ask her or not?”  Sirius ignored him, taking a large sip of coffee instead.

Remus cast a quick  _ Muffliato _ before asking, “So what do you like about Marlene anyways?”

“She’s pretty and fun to talk to I guess….like, she has good taste in music and stuff,” Sirius replied, silently hoping this was a satisfactory response.  Deciding to turn the tables, he asked, “What do you like about Fabian?”

Remus shrugged before simply stating, “He’s quite fit.”

James snorted before returning to his original query, “So how do you want to ask her out, Sirius?  Flowers, Fireworks, Serenade her in the Great Hall? I’d be happy to help you plan it.”

“How about none of the above?” Sirius said cheekily, “Honestly, Prongs, you should have learned after Lily’s half-a-dozen refusals that such ostentatious displays of affection don’t go over well;  and if I wanted help I think Remus would be a lot more useful in this department.”

“I’m hurt!” James exclaimed dramatically, prompting an eyeroll from Remus.

“It’s almost time for Potions,” Peter interrupted, noticing how empty the Great Hall had gotten.  The four boys headed for the dungeons, Sirius silently hoping that everyone would just forget about all this romance stuff.

***

On Friday, Sirius was eating his toast while eye James suspiciously.  Last night, he had asked to borrow Sirius’s owl to send a letter, which was odd since James had a perfectly good owl of his own.  Of course he agreed, but watching James whistle cheerfully all morning put him on edge; he had to be up to something.

Sirius’s internal musings were interrupted as a tall redhead joined them, sitting beside Remus.  “Hi Fabian,” Remus addressed the older boy.

“Hey Remus, you excited about Hogsmeade tomorrow?” Fabian said, being intentionally vague in consideration of the others.

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to our date,” Remus replied, signalling his friends already knew.

“Cool; I’ll meet you in the common room, yeah?” Fabian asked, prompting Remus to nod with a smile.  “See you later then,” Fabian stated flirtatiously, kissing Remus on the cheek before rising to rejoin his twin further down the table.  Sirius noticed Gideon giving his brother a high-five before turning to see Remus blushing with a soft smile.  He thought about teasing Remus but was interrupted by the noisy arrival of mail.

Looking up, Sirius saw his owl carrying a bouquet of purple and pink flowers.   _ Why would James send Dorcas flowers with my owl? _ , he thought.  To his surprise, the regal owl landed in front of Marlene instead.  She pulled a note from amidst the purple lilacs and pink rosebuds and read it curiously, blushing as her friends giggled around her.  She picked up the flowers, inhaling deeply, before rising and walking towards Sirius.

“Thanks for the flowers, Sirius! I would love to accompany you to Hogsmeade tomorrow.  I’ll meet you in the entrance hall, okay?” Marlene said cheerfully.  Sirius, unsure of what to do but unwilling to cause a scene, just nodded numbly.  Unknowingly mirroring Fabian’s earlier actions, Marlene kissed Sirius on the cheek before returning to her friends, leaving Sirius frozen behind her.

Sirius turned to James and glared at his smirking face.  “You’re welcome,” James said smugly.  Looking to Remus for support, Sirius was disappointed to find him staring at Fabian.  Internally, Sirius wanted to scream in frustration.  Instead, he merely sighed and resumed eating his toast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! I say I post on Fridays but let's just pretend I'm on California time because it's always after my east coast midnight lol. Have a great Thanksgiving Break, I'll post again on Black Friday :)  
> (updated 11/25 for line spacing)


	3. Ch. 2: First Dates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains:  
> Kissing & Amatonormativity with a dash of internalized aphobia (Poor Sirius)

Sirius spent most of the night thinking, trying to sort out his jumbled emotions.  Anger, at James for setting him up without his permission.  But James is his best friend and Sirius knew he was only trying to help…...he knew the anger would soon fade.  Well, that was the easiest one; the rest of what he was feeling was much harder to quantify, much less dispel.  

He thought about Remus being bi and dating Fabian…..it was certainly new to him, but he didn’t see why he should have a problem with it.  If anything, he was confused about Remus’s comment about Fabian being “fit”.  What on earth is  _ that _ supposed to mean?  It’s even more confusing than the idea of a “crush”.  Maybe people are just weird.   _ Maybe I’m the weird one, _ Sirius realized.  After all, dating and stuff seems to make sense to everyone else.  

Sirius decided to abandon that particular train of thought and instead contemplated the strange feeling he’s had ever since Marlene kissed him earlier.  It felt kind of like falling from a broom 100ft in the air, his stomach dropping out of him and being unable to breathe, all mixed with an overwhelming sense of dread.   _ Am I scared? _ , he wondered before dismissing it; no, Gryffindor’s don’t get scared.  He’s just….nervous and uncomfortable about the situation.

He had a date tomorrow…..with Marlene.  Maybe he’s just overreacting, right?  It will be fine; they’ll get candy and butterbeer and talking to Marlene isn’t that bad.  He’ll be fine….in fact, he’ll be great!  Recalling etiquette lessons about courting, Sirius decided to be the perfect gentleman, the best date ever!  Burying his anxious feelings, Sirius resolved to put his best effort into the date.  After all, this is what people do, right?  Find someone they think is cool and date them with the eventual goal of getting married and stuff.   _ It has to happen sometime, _ Sirius thought, recalling his father’s words about providing an heir,  _ so why not now? _

***

The next morning, Sirius woke up to someone else’s shoe flying through the air and hitting him in the stomach.  He recognized the shoe as Peter’s and threw it towards his side of the room, where it landed atop a pile of Peter’s discarded clothes.  “What’s with all the ruckus?” Sirius grumbled as he got up.

“It’s a Hogsmeade day!” James said excitedly, “And seeing as how we’ve all got dates, we must ensure we look spiffy.”

“Spiffy? Seriously, James? Who uses a word like that?” Remus teased him, causing Sirius to laugh and James to look embarrassed.

“As if ‘ruckus’ is any better,” James shot towards the amused Sirius.

Peter laughed at the pair of them, “You purebloods with your silly old-fashioned words.”

In extremely mature fashion, Sirius responded by blowing a raspberry.  “Anyways,” James began, “I’m surprised you haven’t started getting ready, Sirius.  After all, you spend so much time doing your hair and makeup.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Sirius replied, “You’re just jealous you can’t be this beautiful.”  He posed dramatically, hair flip and all, causing Remus to smile in amusement at his antics.  Sirius headed to the bathroom to get ready while the other boys continued to make a mess searching for clothes.  After styling his hair and applying some eyeliner, Sirius threw on his black skinny jeans, a band t-shirt, and his signature leather jacket.  He joined the other marauders for the walk to breakfast.  

“Is that what you’re wearing on the date? That just looks like your normal casual clothes,” James remarked.  

“Yeah, but I look great,” Sirius said flippantly.  He noticed James and Peter were both in uncomfortable-looking button ups, while Remus was wearing one of his nicer sweaters and a pair of dress-pants.

They sat down in the Great Hall and just as Sirius was enjoying his second piece of bacon, their group was joined by their year’s girls.  Em sat next to Peter, who was next to James.  James’s other side was soon occupied by Dorcas, while Alice and Lily sat next to Dorcas as well.  As Marlene went to sit next to Sirius, he remembered his decision to act gentlemanly and thus stood up to dramatically mime pulling out her chair.  

Marlene giggled, “Why, how kind of you good sir!”

Sirius smirked, “Why of course, darling.”  As Sirius retook his seat, Remus rolled his eyes at him on his other side.  He was interrupted from making his sarcastic comment by the arrival of the Prewett twins.  

Sitting down next to Remus, Fabian kissed his cheek, “You look adorable today.”

Blushing, Remus said, “So do you.”  Sirius was prevented from observing them further as Marlene struck up a conversation with him.  Breakfast passed strangely, with the four pairs chatting by themselves while Gideon, Alice, and Lily spoke with the newly-arrived Frank off to the side.

Peter and Em quickly finished eating and headed off to Hogsmeade.  Fabian and Remus left soon after.  Sirius took this as his cue and offered Marlene his arm, “Shall we?”

She took his arm and the walked to Hogsmeade.  After getting through Filch’s checkpoint, she release his arm and grabbed his hand instead.  

_ Right, _ Sirius thought,  _ holding hands….that’s what people do on dates. _ Interrupting the increasingly awkward silence, Marlene commented on his shirt, which led them into a discussion about music.  Their discussion about the merits of the Weird Sisters vs. David Bowie took them all the way into Hogsmeade.

They went to Honeydukes where they made conversation while picking out increasingly daring candy to try, and Sirius found himself thinking that this wasn’t as bad as he’d expected.  As they left Honeydukes to go to the Three Broomsticks, Sirius was somewhat relieved his hands were full of shopping bags as it prevented him from having to hold Marlene’s hand.  

Inside the pub, they saw Peter and Emmeline sitting together near the back.  With a mischievous smirk, Sirius asked, “Should we go join them?”.  

Rolling her eyes, Marlene said, “Sure, but let’s not embarrass them too badly.”  Just as they went to sit down with the pair, James and Dorcas entered the Pub.  Sirius flagged them down and pushed tables together until all six of them were seated together.  

Peter and Em were holding hands under the table and blushing while James was talking to Dorcas about….Romantic Poets?   _ What a nerd, _ Sirius thought.  Recognizing an increasingly awkward silence between him and Marlene, he searched for something to do.  “I’ll buy the first round of Butterbeer, aye?”  Sirius announced, escaping briefly to the bar.

He returned to the table with six butterbeers, and James paused in reciting a dramatically erroneous version of “ _ Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day?”  _ for long enough to say, “Cheers, Mate!”

Sirius exchanged a look with Marlene, who apparently was also vaguely astonished at the level of Extra™  James was exhibiting.  Remus and Fabian entered the pub, and Sirius happily flagged them over, gesturing for Remus to take the empty seat next to him.  Fabian pulled out Remus’s chair for him, causing the younger boy to blush.  With a smile, Fabian said, “I’ll go get us some butterbeer, Rem.”

Sirius looks at his friend, “He calls you Rem? Seriously?”  

Remus just rolled his eyes, before turning to both Sirius and Marlene, “How’s your day been?”

“Wonderful! Sirius has been such a gentleman,” Marlene replied, causing Remus to snort in disbelief.  

“I’m offended that you doubt me so,” Sirius began, “I’ll have you know I am perfectly capable of being gentlemanly.”  Naturally, it was said so overdramatically that all three ended up laughing in response as Fabian returned with the drinks.

Not wanting to be forced into another one-on-one conversation with Marlene, Sirius quickly engaged Fabian in a discussion about Quidditch tactics for the upcoming game.  

The conversation lasted until the arrival of Alice, Lily, Frank, and Gideon.  Sirius was amused in the instant shift of James’s behavior once he saw Lily: he switched between cupping Dorcas’s face and glancing to see if Lily was watching him.  Lily, however, was resolutely looking anywhere but at James.  In the shuffle of trying to seat everyone, Peter and Emmeline quietly left to continue their date alone.  Sirius tried to return to talk of quidditch, but before long Dorcas was encouraging James to go with her on a “walk” to the Shrieking Shack while Fabian and Remus decided to go visit the bookstore.  Noticing all the couples break away for alone time, Marlene suggested Sirius come with her to the new music shop.

Their destination was next to the bookstore, and Sirius was surprised to see Fabian snogging Remus against a wall.  Something about the scene made him feel strange.

“Stop gawking, let them have their fun,” Marlene said, causing Sirius to break his gaze.  They spent the afternoon perusing records, intermittently commenting on the insufficient amount of muggle albums.  As the sun began to set, they realized it was time to head out.  As they were about to reach the Hogwarts gates, Marlene pulled him off to the side a bit to watch the sunset.  

“I had a good time today,” Marlene stated, more interested in watching the star next to her than the ones slowly appearing in the sky above.

Uncomfortably looking at the purple sky, Sirius replied, “So did I.”  After a moment of silence, Sirius turned to look at Marlene, unsure of what he was supposed to be doing.

She took this as her cue to cup his cheek and lean in to kiss him.  He was too surprised to react so she pulled away when he didn’t kiss back.  

“Don’t you want to kiss me?” she asked.

“Yeah, of course….I was just surprised, is all,” Sirius replied, not sure if it was the truth even as he leaned in to kiss her again.  

He tried to enjoy it, but for some reason it just felt weird more than anything.  He supposed her lips were soft and her breath was nice enough, but what on earth was she trying to do with her tongue?  Eventually she ended the kiss with a smile, before grabbing his hand for the walk back to the castle.

In a bit of a daze, Sirius didn’t truly register what was happening until they reached the common room.  Marlene gave him a peck on the cheek before going to her dormitory.  Still somewhat stunned, Sirius vaguely wiped the kiss off his cheek.  He was interrupted by the jolly appearance of James, who was singing some crap about “Love in the air” or something.  Sirius gave him a friendly shove before going up to the dorm.  

Sirius laid in his bed, not even trying to sort out his incohesive thoughts.  He fell into an uneasy sleep, and as he slept, he dreamed.

***

He was at a wedding, standing next to James.  Suddenly Lily was walking down the aisles, and next thing he knew they were exchanging I do’s.  Apparently Marlene was Maid of Honor to his Best Man, and they were therefore expected to dance together?  He noticed a ring on Marlene’s finger, and realized apparently he’d put it there.  To the side he saw Remus and Fabian dancing….then snogging more than dancing.  He watched, confused of what he felt...that same feeling from earlier.  Apparently his subconscious realized it needed to be more blunt so the dream shifted.  It was still a wedding but rather than a tux he was wearing a big white dress?  He felt overwhelmed but then suddenly he was dancing with Remus and everything was okay.  It was slow and simple but sweet and perfect as Sirius rested his head on Remus’s shoulder.  Sirius felt safe, peaceful, until suddenly he was falling.

***

Apparently he’d overslept, so James had levitated him out of his bed and dropped him onto the floor….that at least explained the falling part of the dream.  The rest remained a mystery.

As he entered the common room, he saw Fabian and Remus.  He finally realized what that feeling was….Jealousy? That’s one mystery solved….but it still didn’t make sense….

His thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of Marlene, who quickly grabbed his hand.  “Good Morning!” she said. 

“Hi?” Sirius said awkwardly, mildly confused as to why she was here….their date was yesterday, he didn’t need a repeat.  

James came down the stairs and instantly commented on the sight.“Walking your girlfriend down to breakfast mate? Good for you,” he stated before continuing on.  

_ Girlfriend? _ Sirius thought shocked.  He noticed the smile on Marlene’s face at the term.

“Shall we, oh Boyfriend of mine?” Marlene said, indicating they head to breakfast.  Sirius just nodded dully.   _ This is what was expected, right?  Having a girlfriend is normal _ , he thought as they walked to breakfast, talking about their dreaded potions lesson today.  But at the moment, Sirius was dreading breakfast and dating far more than potions….at least the potions came with clear instructions to follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the kissing scene wasn't too awkward; I may be an Adult but I have 0 experience in that area lol. Also the line about James being "Extra™" was originally meant as a filler to be changed to something more fitting to their time period, but rereading I found it too funny to change. Sirius's dream was fun to write...I tried to give it kind of the disjointed fluidity of a dream and him being in the dress is in part because I also headcanon Sirius as genderfluid. Well, that's enough of me rambling, hope you enjoyed this chapter and feel free to leave Kudos :)


	4. Ch. 3: Panic! at the Afterparty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter Contains: inebriated kissing and stuff, Sirius has issues

It had been several weeks since the last Hogsmeade visit, and Sirius had been Marlene’s “boyfriend” for the duration.  Despite never asking her out, never saying he wanted to date her, he had ended up here.  He kept wanting to say something but….he just couldn’t.  He didn’t want to upset anyone and everyone seemed so happy for them.  But he hated it.

She held his hand as they walked down the hall, and he found himself wishing he was holding a venomous tentacula instead.  She kissed his cheek, and he’d rather be slapped there instead.  She’d kiss him full on the lips with tongue and all, and he’d rather be swallowing a raw fish on a dare.  But he said nothing….because everyone was doing it!  James was snogging Dorcas, especially on the common room couch for Lily to see.  Peter was holding hands with Em everywhere they went.  And worst, Remus was kissing Fabian in corners throughout the castle, and everytime Sirius saw them a part of him wanted to scream for reasons he didn’t fully understand.

They’d just beaten Slytherin in the first Quidditch match of the year.  The after party was great, plenty of snacks and smuggled firewhiskey, but Sirius couldn’t feel the same euphoria of the rest of his peers.  He saw James watching him worriedly, and realized he needed to act like his normal self.  Grabbing the firewhiskey, he decided to get drunk and try to have fun.  

Numerous drinks later, Sirius had ditched his jacket and was singing  _ Killer Queen _ with Marlene.  She kissed him at the end, clearly exhilarated, but Sirius just felt numb.  He grabbed some more firewhiskey-numb was better than nauseous disgust.

Next thing he knew, he was in a broom closet.  Marlene was kissing him, his lips, his neck-tearing at his shirt and unbuttoning her own blouse.  He responded how he thought he was supposed to, kissing her and taking off his shirt…..the boys would be jealous, while congratulating him on finally getting some action.  She was kissing, sucking on his collarbone while removing her shirt, moving his hands to her breasts.  He supposed they were soft? But didn’t get what the fuss was about with boobs and all….he kept drifting between thoughts and what was happening, trying to recede, wishing he’d drunk just a little more so his brain could shut up and he could just enjoy this like he was supposed to.  Suddenly she went for his belt and he realized what was supposed to happen next and he could barely breathe.  He pulled back, sinking to the floor and curling in on himself.

“What’s wrong?” Marlene asked kindly, “Did I do something wrong?”

Sirius shook his head, trying to respond, but all that came out was a slurred mess.  “How drunk are you?” she asked with concern.  

Seeing an out, he responded, “A lot...I don’t feel too well.”  

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were intoxicated, I shouldn’t have started this with you in such a state,” she babbled, putting her shirt back on while handing him his own.  “I’ll get you back to the dorm to sleep it off and such.”

He vaguely nodded, putting on his shirt.  He realized she was concerned with his ability to consent in his inebriated state, and he wanted to cry.  Instead, he laughed.  He didn’t feel like he’d consented to this relationship to begin with.  

He registered strong arms, as he was handed off to his friend.  He inhaled Remus’s scent and a part of him relaxed, feeling safe.  They went to the dorm and Sirius was in his bed, still laughing so hard that he was crying, until finally he was just crying.  Remus crawled into the bed and just held him, letting Sirius curl up in his lap with his head on the taller boy’s shoulder.  He remembered his dream and started laughing uncontrollably again.  Remus just held him, gently stroking his hair until the sobs receded.  Sirius slowly drifted to sleep, content as Remus hummed quietly and pet his hair. 

***

Sirius woke after one of the most restful sleeps he’d had in a long time.  He was confused about why he felt so safe and warm until he realized he’d fallen asleep on Remus’s chest.  Not wanting it to end, he simply closed his eyes and cuddled a bit closer.  Naturally, this peace did not last very long in the Marauder’s dorm.

Sirius could have killed James as he slammed the door and started making sure everyone was awake.  James paused at Remus’s empty bed, before coming to wake Sirius and discovering the werewolf there instead.  Seeing James mischievously draw his wand, Sirius groaned, “I’m awake, no spells required.”  Sirius sat up, suddenly realizing he had a headache.  Remus stretched as he woke up as well.

James smirked, “Why are the two of you in one bed? I went off to snog Dorcas but apparently I missed some stuff.”

“Well,” Remus began calmly, “Sirius was rather inebriated last night….speaking of which, do you need a hangover potion?” 

“Yes, please,” Sirius grumbled, painfully holding his head.  He thankfully accepted the posting and downed the disgusting concoction rapidly, enjoying the relief as his hangover disappeared.

“Can’t hold your drink there, Padfoot?” James teased.

Sirius snorted, “I hold my drink better than you, I just drank…..a lot? At least a whole bottle by myself I think.”

Shaking his head in disapproval, James continued getting ready for quidditch practice.  Seeing as it was a Sunday, there was no real reason he had to wake the rest of them….but he did it anyways.  A flurry of activity as James headed to practice and Peter got ready to meet Em for breakfast, until Sirius was left in the room with only Remus.

Sirius was sitting on his bed, deep in thought, when Remus sat down beside him.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Sirius replied, uncomfortably looking down at his feet.  “I was just drunk.”

“Padfoot, being drunk doesn’t exactly explain alternating between crying and manic laughing.  Marlene handed you off to me and I don’t know what happened but she looked upset and maybe a bit guilty.  Is everything alright?” Remus said with concern, putting a comforting hand on Sirius’s shoulder.

“I...we were kissing in a broom closet but I was so wasted I just...I don’t know….I think I started laughing and she realized I was too drunk for what we were doing so then she got upset and kept apologizing and I was so out of it, almost blacking out, I shouldn’t have drank that much I just...I don’t know,” Sirius tried to explain.

“Don’t tell James?” Sirius asked suddenly, before adding, “He’d never stop teasing me, getting into a broom closet with a bird but being too drunk to do anything proper.”

“I won’t tell anyone,” Remus promised, before giving Sirius another comforting hug, “Just know you can come to me if you need to talk about anything, yeah?”

“Thanks Moony,” he replied, happily accepting the embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter! It is rather out of my depth experience-wise because even though I'm in college I A) have never drank alcohol/gotten drunk and B) have never kissed anyone, much less anything else. I think Sirius kinda dissociates sometimes and I hope that came through in this part. Also, I feel like I might be misrepresenting Marlene sometimes so I tried to show that she's not a bad person, she isn't trying to hurt Sirius, it's just that he doesn't communicate his problems. Also, I love the Remus & Sirius cuddling....just them sleeping in the same bed, hugging, being adorable and supporting each-other.  
> Thanks for Reading, Kudos are always welcome :)


	5. Ch. 4: A Sirius Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains: kissing, amatonormativity, and a bit of an anxiety attack

The next weekend approached far too quickly for Sirius.  Normally, he looked forward to weekends, but this was another Hogsmeade weekend.  Marlene had been a bit weird since the incident after the quidditch party.  Sirius laughed it off as him being too drunk, but she’d been concerned.  On the plus side, she wasn’t kissing him as much.  On the negative side, she was always there, always holding his hand and sitting next to him.  

“Where do you want to go for Hogsmeade this weekend?” she asked him after transfiguration one day.   _ I’d rather not go at all, _ Sirius thought.

Instead, he said aloud, “I don’t know, where would you like to go?”

She thought for a moment before exclaiming, “Ooh, I have an idea….how about I surprise you?” Sirius agreed, eager for the conversation to end.

He noticed Remus watching him during such encounters which only made Sirius try harder to act normal, so as to not cause concern.  One day the pair was talking.

“So what are you doing for Hogsmeade this weekend? Going with Fabian again?” Sirius asked curiously.

“Yeah, that’s the plan,” Remus said somewhat nonchalantly.

“So are you two, like, just dating or ‘in a relationship’,” Sirius asked, air quotes and all.

Laughing a bit, Remus replied, “Well, more dating I suppose….it’s more casual than anything.  He’s nice and I enjoy dating him but neither of us are looking for anything too serious right now.”

Sirius nodded, pretending to understand.  He hadn’t realized people dated just for fun, without intentions to ultimately get married and such.  Relationships are confusing.

***

Saturday arrived all too soon and Sirius was dressed in a red button-up that James had forced him into upon Marlene’s request.  He met her in the common room where she was dressed in a pink dress with matching lipstick.  Said lipstick quickly made it’s way to Sirius’s cheek before she took his hand to walk to Hogsmeade.

“So where are we going?” Sirius asked his date.

“You’ll see,” she replied mischievously.  Somehow, Sirius doubted he was going to enjoy this surprise.

Sure enough, he felt an overwhelming sense of dread as she led him to Madame Puddifoot’s tea shop.  Outwardly, he faked a smile as he politely held out her chair.  Marlene made conversation while Sirius did his best to politely reply.  They got their tea, which somehow smelt too flowery, or maybe that was the red roses in the center of the table.  He heard Celestina Warbeck’s “Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love” playing from the radio as he noticed all the couples around them.  A pair of hufflepuffs were holding hands and gazing into each other’s eye, while a Ravenclaw was snogging a gryffindor in one of the corner booths.  He noticed Marlene’s hand on the table, a clear invitation to be held.  Feeling obligated, he took it with his left while trying to drink the sickeningly sweet tea with his right hand.  

The tea was too hot, warming up his chest until it burned.  Suddenly the room felt too small, his collar too tight, his heart beating too fast but not skipping the way it’s supposed to.  He didn’t know what Marlene was talking about as he couldn’t understand her words, they seemed to come as if he was underwater.  He felt like he was drowning so he hastily excused himself.

He went to the bathroom but then couldn’t bare to return to the date, instead he escaped out the window.  He was running, fleeing, freeing, until finally he was exiting the one-eyed witch statue back in Hogwarts.  

Sirius ducked into an alcove, trying to regulate his breathing and restore order to his frantic mind.  

“Well, don’t you look flustered,” came a voice whose source Sirius hadn’t spotted.  He looked up, noticing a 7th year Ravenclaw called Rookwood.  

“Yeah, I just escaped a date a puddifoot’s….ya know, girls,” Sirius said awkwardly.

“I prefer boys myself,” Rookwood replied.  

At this, Sirius noticed the flirtatious look the older boy was giving him.  Suddenly, the Ravenclaw was right in front of him, leaning in for a kiss.  Sirius leaned in as well until their lips touched.  He didn’t know what he was doing but figured that maybe his problem with Marlene is that he likes boys more and well, here’s someone making the first move so he might as well go along with it, right?

His lips were rougher than Marlene’s but he didn’t think that was a bad thing as strong arms held him against the wall.  Sirius was kissing back, but glad to let Rookwood take the lead.  Suddenly, there was a gasp from beside them.  

Rookwood pulled away as both boys looked to see the group at the entrance of the alcove.  Sirius instantly spotted James, along with Lily, Dorcas, and Marlene.  Marlene locked rage-filled eyes on Sirius before running away, and Rookwood took this as his cue to escape as well.  Lily gave James a look before leaving with Dorcas to comfort Marlene, leaving Sirius with a disapproving James.  

“Marlene was worried when you disappeared so she came to find me.  Imagine our surprise to discover you ditched her on your date only to snog some random Ravenclaw.  That’s a real jerk move, Pads,” James said sternly.  

A mixture of emotions swept through Sirius.  Anger, at James for setting him up with Marlene to begin with.  Guilt for hurting her and disappointing James.  Happiness that maybe Marlene will finally break up with him now.  Confusion as he didn’t know how to reply.  

Deciding to go with nonchalance, Sirius flippantly said, “What’s the big deal? I can snog whoever I want.  I didn’t even like Marlene that much anyways.” 

James looked ready to smack him.  “She’s your girlfriend! You’ve been together for nearly a month now, you can’t just go snogging other people.  You should have at least manned up enough to break up with her if that’s what you wanted.  Instead, you’re being a coward.”

At this, Sirius’s anger won through, “I never wanted to date her in the first place! You’re the one who asked her out, and suddenly it was decided we were girlfriend/boyfriend despite me never deciding that’s what I wanted!  It’s all your fault!”  He punctuated the last sentence by shoving James into the wall.  Not wanting to escalate things further, Sirius took this as an opportunity to escape and he ran.  

He couldn’t go to the dorm-James would be there before long.  He ran down the stairs and all the way outside in the cold November air.  He sat under a tree by the lake, near an outcropping of rocks just large enough to obscure him from view.  He curled into a ball as the wind numbed his skin to match his heart, and his soul cried while his eyes refused to shed a tear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah Sirius is very romance repulsed and I like the parallels at puddifoot's here between padfoot and his future godson lol. Tbh the part of Sirius escaping a date at Puddifoot's to end up kissing a guy is one of the first scene's I'd had planned and I like how it turned out. Also much angst but at least Sirius finally like stood up for himself and what he's feeling. Hope you enjoyed!


	6. Ch. 5: Cocoa & Comfort

Sirius woke with frost in his hair as a warm hand shook his freezing shoulder.  He looked up to meet the concerned amber eyes of his friend.  Whatever Remus saw in his own grey eyes was such that the taller boy pulled him into a deep hug.  Sirius loved when Remus hugged him like this but at the moment he didn’t feel he deserved the comfort, so he forced himself to pull away far earlier than he would have liked.  

“You’re going to get frostbite like this, Padfoot.  Let’s go inside and get you warmed up, yeah?” Remus said, standing up and offering his arm for the other boy.  

They made their way to the kitchens, where they settled in with steaming mugs of hot chocolate.  Taking a deep breath to steel himself, Sirius began, “How much do you know?”

“From what I discerned from James’s yelling, you ditched Marlene on your date and ended up kissing Augustus Rookwood in an alcove,” Remus answered thoughtfully, but not unkindly.

“Everyone was really mad at me,” Sirius mumbled, “Are you mad at me too?” 

“While I don’t approve of your actions, I’m not mad at you.  I’m guessing you didn’t exactly mean to and this is a result of something that’s been bothering you,” Remus replied, subtly encouraging Sirius to confide in him.  

Stalling, Sirius messed with marshmallows in his hot chocolate before beginning to answer, “I...I never really wanted to date Marlene in the first place.”

“Then why did you do it?” Remus prompted.

“I guess…..because it was expected of me?  My whole life I’ve lived with the expectation that one day I will need to get married and have an heir.  Normally I try to ignore what my family says, but in this case even James agreed that this was “normal”-hell, he’s the one who asked her out for me to begin with.  And everyone else had a crush, had a date to Hogsmeade and I-no one seemed the believe that I simply did not have a crush.  So I made one up, but then everything went too far and I hated it and I just wanted it to stop!  Marlene decided we should go to Puddifoot’s and I---I hated it so much I felt nauseous and I had to escape.  And I didn’t mean to cheat or whatever but Rookwood was the one who kissed me and I didn’t really mind it, and maybe a part of me was hoping that Marlene would catch me so she would break up with me but I didn’t expect everyone to be this upset! I just--I’m so confused,” Sirius trailed off.

“It’ll be okay,” Remus said softly, wrapping his arms around Sirius’s shoulders and embracing the shorter boy in a comforting hug.  The hug continued until Sirius’s heart rate returned to normal and calmness swept through his mind.

Thoughtfully, Sirius asked, “How did you know that you were bi?”

“Well,” Remus began, “I found both guys and girls attractive.  Last summer, I kissed a muggle girl and enjoyed it, and then I kissed a guy and enjoyed it just as much.  My mom caught me kissing the guy but she was really accepting about it-she talked to me about different sexualities and such and that’s how I found out about the term bisexual and I realized it applied to me.”

“Hmm…..I suppose both girls and guys are pretty and also okay to kiss….but I think I prefer boys to girls,” Sirius thought aloud.

“Well, you can be gay or bi; it’s possible to be bi while still having a preference for one gender,” Remus informed him before continuing, “Whatever you decide, just know I’m here and I support you, okay?”

“Thanks, Moony, for everything,” Sirius replied, squeezing the other boy’s shoulder in thanks before pulling away.  Finishing their hot chocolate, they decided to return to the dorm.

Sirius followed Remus into the Gryffindor common room, only to be met by a furious Marlene.  Before he could respond, she slapped his cheek with all the force she could muster.  He rubbed his reddening cheek as she launched into a tirade.

“You bastard! First you ditch me on our date, then I find you kissing someone else!   I don’t care that you’re gay but you should have manned-up and told me, rather than hooking up behind my back. Apparently you’re too much of a coward to simply break up with me, but now you don’t have to.  I’m telling you now, we’re over.  You’re such a coward, you disgust me!” Marlene finished with venom in her voice before escaping up the stairs to her dorm.

“Well, I probably deserved that,” Sirius said in feigned nonchalance before going up to his own dorm.  Instead of Remus, James was the one who followed him up.  

Sitting beside him on his bed, James began, “I’m sorry for putting you in this situation to begin with.  You still shouldn’t have cheated, but I shouldn’t have set you up without your permission.  I thought you really liked her, I didn’t expect you to find it so upsetting.”

“I know you meant well, Prongs.  Thanks,” Sirius said.  

After a pause, James asked, “So does this mean that you’re gay?”

“Well, I don’t think I’m straight but beyond that I’m still figuring stuff out, I guess,” Sirius replied honestly without going into more depth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than I intended it to be but it's finals week and I'm now out of pre-written material. My last final is next Wednesday so hopefully I'll be able to post on time next Friday but I'll post by Christmas at the latest. Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> You can find my tumblr @Ravenclaw-Draconum


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